Duality of suicide

I found some of my old writings and decided I would like all my writng to be consolidated so I am re-typing it here. Some of this I should re-write but then it would not reflect what I thought about 20+ years ago. since I write with such a duality perspective let me assure you this was a positive piece for me. I was not suicidal and even thought long and hard about the title.

What would I give to know I've asked, to understand and experience that but one knows? I'd give up everything I owned, to know, but I asked, what do I really own?

I'd give all my worldly possessions, and knew it couldn’t be enough. I'd give every possible thing of myself, but didn't know what, that even was.

I wondered though if I’d give up everything, like the one think I cherish dearly. I could forfeit everything I said, but at what an unbelievable price.

I thought and I pondered this incredible price, then realized I’d never pay. For the one thing I’d have to give up, was everything I wanted to know.

I’d give everything up though, one day, and I’d learn what I wanted to know. Yet I hoped that day would never come. For what I held most dearest to me was my life itself.